2017 Horror-scope

2017 Horror-scope

Mga bes! Ganito kayo mamalasin or seswertehin this year!

- in Entertainment, Featured, Hugot, Opinion
0
@Yna Bote

Gong Xi Fa Cai! ‘Wag magpahuli sa swerte na dala ng Chinese New Year!! Here are your inaccurately accurate horoscopes for 2017:

Rat: 1900 1912 1924 1936 1948 1960 1972 1984 1996 2008 2020
Characteristics: Intelligent, adaptable, quick-witted, charming, artistic, sociable.
Horoscope: ‘Wag ka maniwala sa kanya. Niloloko ka lang niyan. Tanungin mo pa sa kaibigan mong Sheep.

Ox: 1901 1913 1925 1937 1949 1961 1973 1985 1997 2009 2021
Characteristics: Loyal, reliable, thorough, strong, reasonable, steady, determined.
Horoscope: ‘Pag nag-diet ka within 7 days tapos pinagpatuloy mo siya for 7 months, may big chance na papayat ka ng 7 pounds. Go.

Tiger: 1902 1914 1926 1938 1950 1962 1974 1986 1998 2010 2022
Characteristics: Enthusiastic, courageous, ambitious, leadership, confidence, charismatic.
Horoscope: WARNING: Makakagat ka ng bubuyog sometime in May habang nagbabakasyon sa isang prime tourist attraction, sa isang first-world country. My advice? Mag-book ka na agad ng ticket; paubos na ang seats sa promo flights.

Rabbit: 1903 1915 1927 1939 1951 1963 1975 1987 1999 2011 2023
Characteristics: Trustworthy, empathic, modest, diplomatic, sincere, sociable, caretakers, sensitive.
Horoscope: Mag-invest sa isang bagong condominium unit na kino-construct malapit sa inyo. Magiging kapitbahay mo ang soulmate mo at magkakaroon kayo ng isang dosenang anak.

Dragon: 1904 1916 1928 1940 1952 1964 1976 1988 2000 2012 2024
Characteristics: Lucky, flexible, eccentric, imaginative, artistic, spiritual, charismatic.
Horoscope: ‘Wag kang sumakay ng elevator buong 2017. Aakyat ang cholesterol mo this year, bes. Kakailanganin mo mag-work out.

Snake: 1905 1917 1929 1941 1953 1965 1977 1989 2001 2013 2025
Characteristics: Philosophical, organized, intelligent, intuitive, elegant, attentive, decisive.
Horoscope: Dalasan mo pumunta sa mga clubs at bar. May masasaksihan kang catfight at makukuhanan mo ito ng video at magviviral ito sa buong mundo ‘pag na-upload mo sa Facebook.

Horse: 1906 1918 1930 1942 1954 1966 1978 1990 2002 2014 2026
Characteristics: Adaptable, loyal, courageous, ambitious, intelligent, adventurous, strong.
Horoscope: Uminom ka ng maraming alak. Swerte ‘yan sa liver. ‘Wag ka maniwala sa kabaliktarang advice ng nakararami. Kailangan ng beer para hindi ka mabaliw sa problemang ibibigay ng 2017 sa’yo.

Sheep/Goat: 1907 1919 1931 1943 1955 1967 1979 1991 2003 2015 2027
Characteristics: Tasteful, crafty, warm, elegant, charming, intuitive, sensitive, calm.
Horoscope: ‘Pag nakaapak ka ng tae, ipahid mo sa papel tapos itupi mo ng tatlong beses. Bulungan mo ng “Gong Xi Fa Cai” tapos patago mong ilagay sa bag ng kaaway mo. Babaho ‘yun tapos bebreak-an siya ng syota niya kasi sino ba namang weirdo ang magtatago ng tae sa bag?

Monkey: 1908 1920 1932 1944 1956 1968 1980 1992 2004 2016 2028
Characteristics: Quick-witted, charming, lucky, adaptable, bright, versatile, lively, smart.
Horoscope: CONGRATULATIONS!!! MANANALO KA SA LOTTO… Sa panaginip mo, bandang July. Pero seryoso, ‘yung best friend mo, mananalo sa lotto. ‘Wag mo siyang i-friendship over this year.

Rooster: 1909 1921 1933 1945 1957 1969 1981 1993 2005 2017 2029
Characteristics: Honest, energetic, intelligent, flamboyant, flexible, diverse, confident.
Horoscope: I-swipe right mo lahat ng makita mo sa Tinder. 100% sure ako na may at least one diyan na mag-sswipe right din sa’yo tapos magkakaroon kayo ng at least one awkward conversation that starts and ends with “Hi :)”.

Dog: 1910 1922 1934 1946 1958 1970 1982 1994 2006 2018 2030
Characteristics: Loyal, sociable, courageous, diligent, steady, lively, adaptable, smart.
Horoscope: Mapapansin ka ni crush this year. Reason: madadapa ka sa harapan niya or mawe-weirduhan siya sa’yo dahil OA ka tumitig.

Boar/Pig: 1911 1923 1935 1947 1959 1971 1983 1995 2007 2019 2031
Characteristics: Honorable, philanthropic, determined, optimistic, sincere, sociable.
Horoscope: Make sure na prepaid ‘yung number mo this year. Matatalo ka sa sugal, tapos mawawalan ka ng maraming pera. At least kung prepaid ka, hindi ka madaling mahahanap ng mga pinagkakautangan mo.


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